wwjd

So I got rid of my WWJD wristband—
it wasn’t working. I updated to one

that says WWWMDD—“What Would
Weapons of Mass Destruction Do?”

Now, whenever I’m in a moral quandary,
I look at my wristband and imagine

that I am an annoying catchphrase
that helps my nation’s leaders justify

the razing of distant villages with daisy cutters.
When I can’t decide which path to take,

I imagine making Americans paranoid
that they might be instantly destroyed

by an insane terrorist with a scraggly beard.
This wristband sucks. You know what’s weird,

though? All the guys who wear WWJD
wristbands think it’s awesome. They’re like,

“Amen. Star wars missile defense. Patriot act.”
And all I want is my old wristband back.